Most women understand the code. We see the wedding ring and we know the man is, well, unavailable. However, nobody really taught us about the other kind of unavailable man. As women, we see a guy; he is handsome, educated, employed, exhibits great taste, dresses well, is generally a decent human being, and he is single, and we automatically assume that he is on the market for a relationship. This is an absolute fallacy.
Truth be told, I don’t think women listen closely enough when a man tells them that he’s “not ready” for a relationship. What they hear is, “You weren’t ready before me.” Which is problematic. Because men have no difficulty articulating their intentions — or pursuing their interests. [Have you seen a man go after the remote in football season?] What’s more, men can compartmentalize the various aspects of their lives and be quite singular in mindset regarding pursuits that are not relationship-driven. Many times, the focus is on their career, school, individual goals, or family obligations that would only be complicated by the responsibilities associated with a real relationship. Other times, they know they’re not mature enough for the emotional commitment. Sometimes, they’re simply not over their last.
They know.
Women, on the other hand, tend to be emotional “fixers” — conditioned to be caregivers and nurturers. Frankly, I am not even sure it is within most women’s emotional toolbox to understand “emotional unavailability.” To make matters more complicated, we have been groomed to evaluate a person not by what they say but by their actions. And, therein, lies the rub.
Indeed, there is not a day that passes on social media without a passive-aggressive actions-speak-louder-than-words “rock” being hurled at some unidentified person from one of my friend’s social media timelines. Somebody who’s not treating them right. Somebody who’s not responding to text messages as quickly as someone thinks they could. Somebody who’s not as present in a relationship as someone hopes they would. Somebody whose words are not aligning in the way someone believes they should.
I can almost guarantee that, somewhere in the mix, is an “emotionally unavailable” man and a woman who is extremely confused by his actions; a man who has made it clear from the outset that he’s not ready for the commitment of a real relationship but who has taken the benefits of a real relationship offered to him anyway. Despite his alleged lack of readiness, he still plays — at his convenience. It’s not the most gentlemanly thing to do. However, he has long rationalized his needs, and she is not being coerced. Women, however, typically read such play differently: “Actions speak louder than words; his words will eventually come around.” They do not seemingly grasp that a man’s emotional unavailability does not mean he has no need for a woman’s company or sexual intimacy, which may even come at vulnerable moments with proclamations of love.
Married men who should, by their very status, be emotionally unavailable to other women — can attest to this. In fact, in survey after survey regarding why they cheat, men will often say, and tell the women to whom they are married, that some of their extramarital behavior doesn’t really count as cheating because it didn’t involve actual sex. Virtual sex doesn’t count to the emotionally unavailable. But there are always three sides to every entanglement — his, hers and the facts. The woman on the receiving end of his advances may well feel otherwise.
In the age of “what aboutisms” I believe it is important to say, as well, that the reverse is also true in many relationships. Sometimes, it is the man who is ready for a real relationship and it is the woman who simply wants her freedom to explore her options. Same-sex couples are not exempt either from this type of relationship dynamic.
Is anyone really to blame for the misery inherent in these relationships? I think not. Nothing productive comes from that pursuit either. The better option is to deconstruct the relationship dynamic and assess if that is what you are looking for. In many ways, this is a friends-with-benefits relationship, and you would be wise to take it as nothing more.
The emotionally unavailable guy isn’t necessarily a cad. If he was, why would you be interested? No, in his mind, he’s communicated his intentions; he’s not interested in anything serious. Yet, you have chosen to take the plunge and go with the flow. To him, that’s the green light that you understand the rules of engagement.
A man cannot take what isn’t offered — that would be criminal — and a woman shouldn’t assume what isn’t explicitly stated. Actions, as some wise person once said, do speak louder than words. But what exactly are they saying?
When a scoundrel treats a woman like trash, but tells her that he loves her, should she ignore his actions, but fall in love with his words? No. Therefore, when a decent man treats a woman the way she deserves, while telling her plainly that he’s not ready for a real relationship, should she ignore his words and use his actions as a filter for all their subsequent interactions? Clearly, the answer is also no.
An emotionally unavailable man will ultimately say that the woman heard what she wanted to hear; that he was honest and up-front from the outset of their relationship. On the other hand, the woman who has already set her sights upon him — who even thought, perhaps, that her brand of sex would cure him — will typically say that he treated her badly; that there’s something “wrong” with him. Yet, interestingly, she will still want him; still believe that her love will change him; somehow “fix” him.
This is the dilemma faced by emotionally unavailable men and the women who love them. And the conundrum is compounding as the over-supply of women on online dating sites increases. Cheap Internet hook-ups are now a mere swipe away, and this is giving rise to quite the paradox — more and more women unable to find meaningful relationships, delaying marriage and babies in favor of careers and sexual freedom, and more and more emotionally unavailable men, less willing to commit.
Worthy of note to women who remain loyal and committed to emotionally unavailable men who give them the mixed signals is that such men rarely end up with them. Indeed, here is the best explanation I have found, directly from the horse’s mouth:
“…Despite our strict adherence to logic and reason, and despite our perceived dominion over our feelings, the how and why or when we snap out of our emotional unavailability is often completely out of our control. It just happens. And when it does happen, we very rarely end up spending our lives with the woman who loved us throughout our stretch of unavailability. Nope, much to the collective chagrin of women who consistently love unavailable men, we snap out of it and run straight to a new chick. You want to know why[,] don’t you? It’s because men use a formula to assign value to the women in their lives and a large part of that formula is derived from how much we believe that woman values herself. If you’ve been giving us all of you while requiring nothing more than our bare minimum then that negatively affects how much we believe you value yourself and we know in our heart we can never be with you. No matter how much we want to, we can’t build up the motivation to give you everything if we know you’ve been content with us giving you barely anything. We need to be challenged, we need to know that you’ll accept nothing less than everything. We need to believe that twenty, thirty, forty years from now we’ll still be compelled to be the best man we can possibly be by the simple act of you allowing us to continue to be in your presence…”
Essentially, this is man code. Decipher it.
In the final analysis, we have to own our actions. That’s the only thing over which we have full autonomy and control. Therefore, when a man tells you that he’s not ready for a relationship, believe him. The. First. Time. If you’re looking for something serious, move on.
The emotionally unavailable man will play, will take, will be charming, even treat you right — when it’s your turn in his spotlight. At the end of the day, however, if you hope for more, you will lose because, most times, when he snaps out of that phase, it will be with another woman. In his mind, why should he give you more, when you’ve already settled for so much less? He knows value when he sees it.
So should you.
© Donna Kassin 2016 – 2021. All rights reserved.
Original Post (1 of 3).
RELATED ARTICLE: Why do Men Cheat?, GQ – UK, Justin Myers, February 13, 2020
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RELATED ARTICLE: 13 Reasons Why Men Cheat — Hey, guys! Cheating is not the only option, Psychology Today, Robert Weiss Ph.D., MSW, April 13, 2017
