First things first. This article is not for you if you’re still out there playing the field. Neither is it for you if you’re not ready to make a commitment in a relationship — and have explicitly said so. This article will not invoke religious church-speak about agape love, Jesus and the gospels, or what the Bible says. Neither will it be a sanctimonious self-righteous screed on sexual immorality, the virtues of monogamy over polyamorous arrangements, nor a discourse on whether the same principles apply across the gender-fluid spectrum.
What this article will be, however, is a logical, practical guide on how to safeguard your relationship and protect yourself from a world of hurt and perpetual grievances with someone you have deemed your soulmate, your person, the love of your life, your life-partner, your reason for living — take your pick — someone to whom you have sworn undying fidelity, whether at the altar or merely in earnest, and without whom you cannot see a meaningful future. Why is a pragmatic approach necessary? Because integrity in relationships matters. Because trust matters. And yes, because some of us still need this explained like we’re in kindergarten.
If you’re still with me, let’s get on with it…
At its essence, love is merely a word until someone gives it meaning through actions that speak louder — actions that are consistent with the words they speak and the promises given. Love may be unconditional, but relationships are not. Therefore, it is critical to assess our actions and behaviors not only on the inside of our intimate relationships but also what we are communicating to others on the outside. We all have blind spots that hinder our ability to see ourselves objectively. Often, there is innocent intent behind our actions and the lighthearted banter we indulge in with others. But are they being received in the same spirit? Without conscious self awareness, the casual behaviors that are not conducive to honoring our intimate relationships may remain a mystery. But there is no virtue in remaining repeatedly and unrepentantly stupid.
Many years ago, I came across an article with deep Christian undertones that laid out in explicit detail — with supporting scriptures — how to build hedges around your marriage. In these times, however, it is important to acknowledge that significant, committed relationships exist outside of marriage and that such concepts are equally relevant to them. It is also important to acknowledge that the love and fear of God have hardly stopped those steeped in religious zeal from compromising their intimate relationships. It didn’t stop Israel’s Kind David — allegedly, ‘a man after God’s own heart’ — from sleeping around or the ‘wise’ Solomon, for that matter, with his 700 wives and 300 concubines. It hasn’t stopped mega-church pastors — priests even. Will it stop you?
My spiritual practices are evolving. More than ever, I recognize the questionable intent of organized religion that ingrains patriarchal and misogynistic paradigms to undermine the equal agency of women in making autonomous decisions and to pursue goals, free from the threat of violence or retribution. Nevertheless, I subscribe to the belief that wisdom is wisdom wherever you find it, and it is never wise to throw the baby out with the bathwater.
In the end, the elemental issue becomes, do you love your relationship enough to protect it?
What does this look like practically? Consider that it may include instituting radical, yet common-sense safeguards — hedges, if you will — safeguards that transcend religious beliefs and, yes, gender:
1. Avoiding flirtatious endearments, suggestive conversations and remarks, even in jest.
You may want to consider that terms of endearment belong within the context of your intimate relationships. Their casual usage outside of that context may not only be disrespectful, it may also come across as mentally lazy or, worse, condescending. Women — or men, for that matter — are not your “Sweetheart,” “Sweetie,” “Darling,” or “Babe,” unless they are. They have names. Err on the side of caution and use them. Generic terms that circumvent someone’s name or safeguard against the usage of an incorrect name at an inopportune time is not clever. It does not go unnoticed.
The #MeToo movement has clearly established that inappropriate names, sexually charged banter and innuendo, lecherous comments and lip-smacking glances below the neck are not always flattering, much less welcome, when unequal power dynamics are in play. Sexual harassment isn’t a joke. And for too long, men and women alike have suffered in silence the grubby, grasping hands of an inappropriate supervisor. Moreover, what some deem harmless “boy talk” or frat-boy behavior can have disastrous consequences. Indeed, how many more political wives and high-profile celebrities do we need to see trotted out by a PR damage-control team to stand by their wayward partner after being publicly humiliated by their inappropriate behaviors? There is no more room to plead ignorance on this issue. There are no more excuses.
Whether done publicly or in private, flirtatious and sexually charged conversations can damage not only your own integrity but also that of your intimate relationships. Professing undying love for a partner is hypocritical after stealthily sliding into someone’s DMs with sexually suggestive jokes and conversations that could undermine the trust of a partner if they were exposed. Questionable interactions open up pathways to cheating when the recipient being engaged mistakes such actions and words as foreplay. Always, the litmus test for the integrity of such repartee should be the consequences that could be wrought on your intimate relationships should Facebook decide, for example, to send out notifications to your partner when you slide surreptitiously into someone else’s inbox. AI can tell keywords and pics that are inappropriate. So can you.
2. Abstaining from touching someone other than in an initial customary handshake or greeting.
Unless you are a legitimate masseuse, back and shoulder rubs, slaps on the butt, caresses on the arm — I could go on — are wildly inappropriate outside of personal intimate relationships. Unless you’re a stylist or makeup artist, the same applies to touching someone’s face or hair. That the Dalai Lama recently requested a stranger, a child no less, to suck his tongue in public is beyond the pale and certainly leaves open to interpretation how much his Holiness is a true ambassador for Tibetan culture. But suffice it to say that personal displays of affection — solicited or given — can be unwanted and easily misinterpreted. Err on the side of keeping your hands — and tongues — in your own damn space.
3. Ensuring that you do not place yourself in situations that could be compromised.
This goes well beyond flirtatious conversations with people to whom you are attracted — more so if you’ve had a past sexual relationship. This means not meeting with them alone. Not dining with them alone. Not traveling with them alone, especially away from home. This means not engaging with them in private phone calls outside of your partner’s earshot. It also means refraining from presenting a ready shoulder to cry on or a persistent listening ear. Falling in love with your “therapist” is a common experience called transference that could lead to, um, ‘entanglements.’ Ask Jada Pinkett Smith.
Strong feelings and emotions are involved in the exchange of confidences, and it is not surprising that people develop romantic feelings for a confidante who makes them feel seen and heard. Good intentions often pave the hot and heavy road to bed. And truth be told, people typically need professional therapy more than they need your shoulder for comfort. Should you find validation in such interactions outside of your intimate relationship, it may be wise to consider whether you are filling those gaps inside your own.
4. Remembering why you fell in love and doing all in your power to keep the home fires burning.
Boundaries safeguard our intimate relationships from outside forces. However, by their very nature, boundaries can also isolate us on the inside. It is equally important, therefore, to create an environment within them in which intimacy can thrive.
At the start of a relationship, quantity and quality of time are key. For men, this often translates to sex. No foreplay necessary — bring beer and come naked, they say. For women, quantity and quality of time may mean satisfying soul needs through stimulating conversations that arouse their inner sapiosexual — and still lead to sex. Learn your partner’s love language. If you do not know, ask. Speaking ‘words of affirmation’ and ‘gifts’ may not translate to love with someone who speaks ‘acts of service’ or ‘physical touch.’
Gender roles and responsibilities are continuously being blurred. Which also means pulling your weight around the house, with child care, and in your finances. Avoiding unnecessary conflict makes going to bed far more conducive to lovemaking. Taking responsibility for your personal and spiritual development also keeps you interesting — and sexy. Over time, interests change. Perspectives change. People grow. What made you fun and attractive in your twenties may be completely boring as you age. Develop a love of learning. Be curious about the world. Travel. Collect new memories instead of things. Learn how to hold someone’s interest.
In a happy relationship, typically, we cannot see ourselves in the arms of someone else. Until it happens. But nothing just happens. Clandestine relationships usually progress through baby steps over several weeks, months, years even, during which time feelings develop — friendships beget flirtations, flirtations beget infatuations, and the lure of ‘greener grass on the other side’ becomes a major trap. It is always a mistake, no matter your age, to think that you are immune to being attracted to someone because you’re in a ‘happy’ relationship.
The truth is, it’s possible to be in a serious relationship ten years in and still develop an emotional attachment to someone else. You think about them, find yourself talking about them, quoting them — even to your partner — generally becoming more and more enamored with them. You begin to swap messages. Jokes. Ultimately, confidences. You feel heard. Seen. Understood. Validated. Protected. Loved.
Oops.
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Original article
© Donna Kassin 2023. All rights reserved.
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