Many of us are in relationships that we have no business being in and, deep down, we know it. We invent all kinds of elaborate stories regarding why we stay. We stay because, well, we’ve seen what’s out there and what we have is a prize compared to that. Pssh. We stay because we’ve already invested so much time. We stay because the sex is so good. We stay because of the kids, because we don’t want to be alone, because it would be too humiliating to admit defeat in front of the people who said, from the beginning, the relationship wouldn’t work. We stay because we’d have to adjust our lifestyle. We stay because two can “make it” so much easier than one. Yes, we stay because, well…because!
Never mind that we’re being abused verbally, emotionally, and physically. Never mind that (s)he’s cheated multiple times. Never mind that we feel alone in the relationship, anyway, because the person we’re with isn’t remotely interested in their personal and spiritual development, much less ours. Why do we do this to ourselves? What will be our wake up call? We seem to understand all the frailties in our friends’ relationships. We even have a clear prescription for them. For ourselves? Not so much.
Truth be told, our situation is really not that complicated. We know what we must do. What we don’t have is the courage to confront our inadequacies and fix them. It’s so much easier to find the flaws in our partner. We talk about the importance of self worth. Our Facebook and Instagram posts say we have loads. Yet, privately, we live the lie. Because ultimately, what we settle for determines how much that is.
In the final analysis, there are two questions to ask yourself with brutal honesty. Do you think you deserve better? And secondly, do you believe the person you’re with is the best person you could get? Your answers to these two important questions are very telling because, within them, lies the direction you must take to be able to look your own self in the eye with any real sense of integrity.
The chickens always come home to roost, they say, meaning there are always consequences for the things we do. So yes, the solution to our private hell and pain really does boil right back down to us because, ultimately, motive is everything.
We spend our whole lives searching on the outside for what can only be found deep on the inside. Even the high that comes from a new relationship inevitably seeks a connection — a fit — within oneself and, unless it finds resonance, the benefits are temporary. What’s more, a relationship will never validate your self worth.
Water always finds it level. So do relationships — they reflect the level of our self esteem. And settling for less inevitably inflicts damage upon ourselves. We must love ourselves beyond the mantras of “self love” and “self care” reverberating at a spa retreat. Neither are possible without self knowledge, self realization and self awareness.
And therein lies the key:
We all know that we cannot love someone we don’t know. How, then, can we love ourselves if we don’t know ourselves?
Therefore, reclaim your time. Rediscover who you have become — your essence, your likes, your dislikes, the areas you’ve compromised to your detriment, the new non-negotiable deal-breakers. And if where you are does not reflect who you believe yourself to be or what you deserve, move–you are not a tree.
Chances are, the people you worry about the most already know what you have to do to save yourself.
Original Article August 24, 2015
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