Mothering a Man Leaves Vacancy for a Wife

There will always be exceptions to the rule. But by and large, I think most people would agree that, by nature — or, perhaps, through the conditioning of gender stereotypes — women are the prevailing nurturers and caregivers. Women carry children to term. They nurture them. They care for elderly parents. They keep familial relationships alive for brunch and family reunions. And yes, they care even for the family dog. Which is why, perhaps, in many heteronormative relationships, women seemingly have great difficulty allowing the men in their lives to be, well, men. Typically, they meet a man, perceive him as a “fixer upper” and, shortly thereafter, are off and running, planning his next, greater incarnation. They see potential.

In so many ways, a man becomes a project in which they are investing, and that alone makes him worthy of their full time attention. Really, this is about securing their own future, and that alone smacks of selfish intention. Which is why, not surprisingly, things tend to fall apart on the road to happiness and bliss. Most times, the man, just by virtue of being himself, cannot live up to their expectations. And the fallout begins. Sometimes too late, in fact, an aging woman, left behind by the man she “created,” realizes that it would have been far better to have invested in their her own life, her own dreams, her own credentials!

Therefore, allow me to offer a bit of free advice. For a man to come into his own, he must be able to handle the responsibilities of being a man. Be responsible for his own vision. For his own self development. His own life!

Of course, that is not to say that, as women, we are not to come alongside our partners in the same way we’d like them to be supportive of us. But there is a huge difference between being supportive vis-à-vis enabling dependency for our own gain.

Have you heard the story of the little boy who tried to help a butterfly, struggling to emerge from its cocoon, to fly? He cut a hole in the cocoon to make it easier for the butterfly to emerge. But the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. Why? Because it was the butterfly’s struggle to push its way through the tiny opening of the cocoon that was designed to push the fluid out of its body and into its wings to make them stronger. Without that struggle, the butterfly would never fly and the boy’s good intentions actually hurt it.

It’s the same with the people in our lives. Our job is not to enable, but to assist. Not to do, but to teach. Not to mother, but to come alongside grown men who are deserving of our commitment and time.

Indeed, never forget that men who need “mothering” aren’t grown. In fact, many women find out to their detriment that, if they keep mothering their man, it isn’t long before he looks for a wife.

Think about that.

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Donna Kassin

Founder & Editorial Director

Political commentator. Management consultant. Life & relationship coach. Catalyst for transformation. A regular contributor to HuffPost and several Medium publications. Donna is Jamaican by birth and the author of the upcoming book, "EVERYTHING CRASH: The Search and Rescue Mission for America."