Those Thanksgiving and holiday family gatherings can be such fun, can’t they? When you’re single and still ready to mingle, there’s inevitably that persistent “Aunty” who’s been trying to set you up, for years now, with her best friend’s totally unsuitable son or daughter. If you’ve just experienced a breakup, likely, you have a lot of ‘splaining to do. Things can get really awkward.
Nevertheless, it’s 2020. We’ve crossed over not only into a new year but also a new decade and, undoubtedly, you’ve already heard all the well-intentioned wishes for “20/20 vision in 2020.” If you’re like many of us, there’s a gnawing feeling that we need to get on with the things that matter most to accomplish the goals we have set for our lives. For some of us, it’s the ubiquitous weight loss plan, or exercise routine. But others will undertake life changes far more consequential.
If you’re like so many unhappy couples, those holiday milestones can be a poignant reminder of what’s already broken in the relationship; that, perhaps, it’s time to act upon those momentous decisions that have been incubating. The relationship dynamics are irretrievably broken; things are long past what you envisioned when you committed to a monogamous relationship. Indeed, there are a million reasons why the first Monday of each new year is known in the legal industry as “Divorce Monday.”
“It’s the day when couples who have merely been tolerating each other act on the vows they’ve made to themselves that another year won’t find them in the same unhappy predicament,” said Life and Relationship Coach Donna Kassin. “Consequently, there’s a huge surge in inquiries with divorce lawyers and sourcing on Google for support services that facilitate the process.”
“Holiday pressures are often a reminder, as we sacrifice for others, that the real person being sacrificed is ourselves,” Kassin continued. “Many couples fake it through the holidays for that one last holiday season together as a family. Other times, one partner simply feels guilty about ending the relationship during the festivities.”
The holidays aren’t this complicated for all couples though. For some, the holidays are a magical time to celebrate their love and become engaged. There are “warm fuzzies” associated with Christmas or Hanukkah lights aglow, and snuggling up in flannel jammies beside the fire with a cup of hot cocoa. Moreover, what better time, especially if family is supportive?
Many couples are ready. Mazal tov! They’re head-over-heels in love and will move on to wonderfully fulfilling marriages that are examples for the rest of us. Far too many, however, simply succumb to social pressures in the quest for love. Other friends are getting engaged or are already married. Others are on to their second child. And so, “It’s time,” you tell yourself, even as you are fully aware in the recesses of your mind that the person on the other side of the proposal is not truly your match. In fact, even as they go on bended knee, the ring box pops, and you see that shiny, oh-so-tempting accessory you’ve been waiting your whole life for, there’s already this gnawing feeling that something is “off.” And it is in that moment —though there will be no hearty “Congratulations!”, no shiny bling, no “I SAID YES!” Instagram-worthy photos to follow — my darling, I hope you say no.
If they’re down on one knee and you feel the slightest sense of doubt — I hope you say no.
If you envision your future together and a shiver runs down your spine — I hope you say no.
If the sound of their voice doesn’t make your heart skip a beat — I hope you say no.
If you “look good together” but being in their arms doesn’t feel like home — I hope you say no.
If you have to hide any part of your authentic self around them — I hope you say no.
If your spirit isn’t at peace and your mind cannot rest — I hope you say no.
If they quench your passions, drain your energy, or stifle your soul — I hope you say no.
If you cannot share your dreams free of judgment and they sabotage your goals — I hope you say no.
If they don’t appreciate all you’ve overcome and see you for the goddess that you are — I hope you say no.
If they’re unable to love you the way you need to be loved, though hearts must be broken — I hope you say no.
If, for any reason, at any time, you believe you have settled — I hope you say no.
If any part of you has to convince yourself to say yes, my darling — I hope you say no.
“The race is not given to the swift nor the strong,” some wise person once said, “but to the one who endures to the end.” In matters of the heart, translate that: “There are too many mediocre things in this world to deal with; love shouldn’t have to be one of them.” (“Frankie,” Dream for an Insomniac)
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