Here’s Why an ‘Amicable Divorce’ May Be an Oxymoron for Most
Meet the Bells.
Their June 11, 2019 Facebook post went viral. After 67K Likes, 44K Shares, and almost 300 mostly well-meaning and appreciative comments at the time of writing, it’s worth a look to see what all the buzz is about. At least superficially, the post seems to be an indicator that, when it comes to ending marriages, some of us are finally becoming “grown.” We are walking away from long-term relationships, determined to take the high road, especially when children are involved.
No pressure, right?
“It’s official,” wrote Hannah Renee Bell. “Yesterday our divorce was finalized. After our court hearing we had a celebratory lunch together, ringing in our next season of life as friends and co-parents.” The other half of “we” is Hannah’s now-ex-husband, Fard, whose Facebook page bills him as “Implementation Coach — Marketing & Success Strategist at Born CEO Academy.”
“As we reflected on our 13 years of marriage,” Hannah said, “together we came up with 5 marital lessons we learned along the way:
1) Take the time to REALLY get to know yourself, your purpose, your vision, your priorities, and your core values before committing yourself to someone else for life. Get clear on your non-negotiables and on your deal breakers before saying “I Do”. Otherwise, your newfound vision can create division if it’s not in alignment.
2) Even if you believe you heard from God, there’s no need to rush to the altar. Take your time and enjoy the process of courtship, or you’ll find yourself getting to know each other after you’re already married.
3) Before getting married, make sure your priorities are compatible and don’t ignore core value differences. While marriage takes compromise, there are some things that can’t be compromised. Eventually, either you’ll try to be someone you’re not, or you’ll try to change the other person into someone they’re not and it won’t work.
4) Marriage takes work. Don’t underestimate the amount of work that it takes to build a strong marriage. Go to marriage seminars together before getting married, learn what it really takes, and make sure you’re both willing to put in the work together. If you don’t grow together you’re gonna grow apart.
5) Hindsight is 20/20. We may not be able to change the past, but what we can do is make the best of our current situation and of the future, out of love and respect for ourselves and for our son. Life doesn’t always work out exactly how we planned, but God can still get the glory from our story.
We truly believe all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose. God can still make something Good out of our situation. We are both proud of the life we built together over the past 13 years. And through this marriage the most wonderful miracle was born, Jacob Victorious Bell. And for that we will always be grateful.
So here’s to new seasons, fresh starts, and new normals. 👐🏽
(Btw, no need to choose sides. You can love us both equally!! 😂)…”
Call me a cynic. But seriously, who does this on Day-1 of their divorce? Something about the Bell’s statement seemed off to me—call it a hunch. Perhaps, it was grounded in the allegedly humorous jab Hannah took at her ex-husband the very next day in a Facebook post—now deleted, or removed from public view. She cautioned patience to those waiting for Mr. Right because, well, “your soulmate may not have received his divorce papers yet.” Fard was tagged in the post with the caption, “Too soon?”
The Bells’ Facebook post felt more like one of those ubiquitous statements prepared for a press release when a celebrity couple splits because a mere whiff of their dirty laundry could be, well, bad for business. “Coach Fard Bell” has a reputation to uphold and a new book to sell—released January 2019—about “the 7 steps to claiming your freedom and living your purpose.” Now would hardly be the opportune time to commingle “divorce” with any of those steps to “freedom.” The book was published by a company that seemingly churns out Amazon “bestsellers” through dubious practices that depend upon generating enough buzz for sales in a single hour-long window to take advantage of Amazon’s algorithms. Any publicity is good publicity.
The Bells’ Facebook post also brought back to mind Oscar-winning actress Gwyneth Paltrow’s “conscious uncoupling” from Coldplay frontman Chris Martin after 11 years of marriage. “It is with hearts full of sadness that we have decided to separate,” Paltrow had said in a March 2014 statement announcing their split. “…We have always conducted our relationship privately, and we hope that as we consciously uncouple and coparent, we will be able to continue in the same manner. …”
People sniggered a little at the time, asking, “What the hell is ‘conscious uncoupling’?” (Here’s a link to Paltrow’s former site, if you really still don’t know.) Some thought that Paltrow, who had long been deemed a bit of a snob—and weird—was merely “lending nonsensical grandeur to dumping.” But perhaps dear Gwyneth was on to something. Will and Jada Pinkett Smith have since come out as clear, if unwitting, advocates, even extending the concept to include conscious parenting in their blended family with “bonus moms.” Same goes for Alicia Keys and husband, Swizz Beatz, whose ex-wife, Mashonda Tifrere, recently wrote a book about coming to terms with life after divorce from Beatz, in which there were rumors of infidelity with Keys. Regardless, Paltrow, Pinkett Smith, Tifrere, et al., have all owned being “full of sadness”—even despair and frustration—on the “roller coaster ride.” Not so the Bells.
Likely, in response to a few critical comments in that regard, the Bells edited their post to make clear that it was not a “celebration of divorce” but more a choice “to focus on making the best out of our next chapter.”
They subsequently edited it again: “This post is NOT meant to advocate divorce, nor is it to celebrate our failures in our marriage. We choose to celebrate what good came of it and we hope others can also learn from our mistakes BEFORE marriage or divorce…”
They clearly do not need a publicist. They understand “damage control.”
Judging from the comments under Hannah’s Facebook post from people who know the couple in real life, both appear to be upstanding human beings who are respected and loved. Perhaps Coach Fard actually does live out the mission listed on his website: “Discover Your Purpose…& Become The Leader You Were Born To Be!” But experience informs me that far more important to couples on Day-1 of a real-life divorce, when their lives look like failure in a piled heap, is not a reminder of how they should do things differently next time. What they need, typically, is comfort—the validation that, sometimes, despite their best efforts, divorce is the best option for everyone involved. They also need encouragement that, although things may get even messier after a divorce, they will get better. People mistakenly think that divorce is going to solve “the problem.” But, often, that problem only takes a different form.
Moreover, there are two components to a divorce: the legal and the emotional. And there’s no rule for which comes first. Sometimes, as seems to be the case with the Bells, it is the emotional divorce that occurs first, after which the legal divorce is but a mere formality. By the time the actual event occurs, if the divorcing parties are actually decent human beings, friendship is possible—it can even thrive more than within the marriage.
For most couples, however, it is the legal divorce that comes before the emotional, while there is still acrimony. Perhaps, there was abuse or cheating or repeated unrepentant behavior that led to “irreconcilable differences.” In such scenarios, there’s not a ghost of a chance that a couple would contemplate being friends at that time. Feelings are running high. Dreams are dying. Concerns for the future are still too debilitating. Safety, even, could be a primary concern. And in such cases, while a legal divorce may take a few months, maybe a year, an emotional divorce can take several years—which is why, long after divorce, some exes still turn up with guns. In cases like these, an “amicable divorce” is an oxymoron.
In the breakdown of every marriage that leads to divorce, there’s always a period of mourning. Well, for sane people. It is a period that should cause deep introspection to figure out why promises made at the altar were no longer deemed worthy of being kept. Therein lies the real takeaway for meaningful emotional and spiritual growth. And that takeaway should never be about your partner. Life lessons are always about you. Your actions. Your fault. Your accountability. Your plan to become better—more conscious. Which is why many marriage therapists and counselors caution against remarriage until about five years after divorce.
Don’t get me wrong. The Bells’ advice has value. I particularly endorse their advice to those who believe they’ve heard from “God” about someone they have set their sights upon. Among my coaching clients, I’ve lost track of the number of “Boazes” who turned out to be Bozos within the mere passage of a couple of weeks. Many ignore the red flags because, well, “God” gave them scripture and a “word.” But a “savior” doesn’t absolve us from the internal work that is required for a successful relationship or from taking responsibility for our role in our own failures.
To me, there was no real vulnerability in the Bells’ post, no glimmer of the pain involved in the actual divorce. It was “motivational coach-speak.” Moreover, I’m not sure that a couple that has been divorced for one day is in the best position to be offering marital advice. Words are easy; it’s living them out that’s hard. The deliberate weaving of “God” into their story didn’t show why that was not enough to save this marriage. What chance, then, do the “ungodly” have? Furthermore, neither party knows how the relationship dynamic, commitment, and priorities will change over time when new partners are introduced into the equation. I’ve seen things—and experienced things—I wish I hadn’t.
The “failures” we experience in life—those nasty “spiritual potholes”—are designed by the universe to give us pause so that we don’t find ourselves again in the same predicament. We need to watch what’s going on in our own lane and not be discouraged because we’re not living up to what’s happening in someone else’s. The entire point is to keep striving to be better in ours. Motivational speaker Rick Rigsby has said, “Wisdom will come to you in the unlikeliest of sources, a lot of times through failure. When you hit rock bottom, remember this. While you’re struggling, rock bottom can also be a great foundation on which to build and on which to grow.”
Just make sure you don’t get hit in the head with other people’s rocks while you’re down there.
As for the Bells, I wish them well and hope that things remain on an even keel. I hope that character and integrity are well grounded on both sides of their divide. Circumstances will change over time. But those are the real values worth keeping for when the new storms of life come—because it’s not if they come, it’s when.
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Photo Credit: Hannah Renee Bell, Facebook.
© Copyright 2019 Donna Kassin. All rights reserved.
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