I’ve given this advice for a very long time now, not only on social media but also to many of my coaching clients who are in pain because they seemingly believe someone handed them the scepter for the Kingdom of Forgiveness — or worse, “the Martyrs’ Cup of Suffering” — in their romantic relationships:
1) Forgiveness does not mean staying in a toxic relationship in which you have been repeatedly disrespected and abused or your marital vows — and any remaining semblance of decency and reasonable expectations — have been repeatedly violated. You are not a doormat, and you’re not expected to be one.
2) Forgiveness does not mean enabling someone to continue hurting you. Not physically, mentally, or emotionally.
3) Forgiveness does not mean absolving someone from the consequences of their actions, which could actually teach them wisdom. Which is why people still go to jail even if they’re deeply repentant and apologize.
4) Forgiveness does not mean leaving yourself at risk by continuing to expose yourself to behaviors that jeopardize your safety or that of your kids. This could mean walking away from the relationship, or your house. Putting the offending partner out of the house when “tough love” is appropriate may not always be possible without inducing further risk.
My “aha moment” about forgiveness did not come easily; it was only after much suffering based upon very bad advice from people — some of them in positions accorded great respect within the Church, and even my parents. They had been taught the same precepts they were passing down, unchallenged, for posterity. My epiphany came only after I began to question what kind of God would have me stay in a disastrous marriage in which there was repeated, unrepentant behavior from someone who had made an absolute mockery of our marriage vows — and the truth.
Think our most famous malignant narcissist. Seriously.
Misguided notions about forgiveness have long been used to keep women subjugated in horrid situations that neither served their interests nor well-being. And it’s time to call bullshit on some of what we’ve been taught — and for the brainwashing to stop. If anyone “slaps you on the right cheek,” call the police; (s)he should be arrested for battery. That rubbish about offering the “other cheek” could get you killed. And such bad advice only maintains the status quo of the oppressor.
To “forgive and forget” is folly. That only gives permission to the universe to teach you the lesson again because the whole point of the lesson is so that you do not forget and learn from your mistakes.
Forgiveness, we are told, is about freeing ourselves from the hurt created by others — it’s not for the other person, but for you. And while there is some semblance of truth in that, bear in mind that forgiveness has long been used as a tool for manipulation to elicit a response from the victim. A “lack of forgiveness” does not necessarily mean that you are holding a grudge or are bitter but that, instead, you’ve established boundaries for your own safety and well-being. In this regard, the concept espoused in that famous Desiderata poem by Max Ehrmann is right on the money: “Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.” Living with a continually “vexed” spirit is not the path to peace and enlightenment, or fulfillment. Sometimes, you can only discern that from a distance — there are some people you are better off loving from afar.
I am actually happy that people are catching on to this bill of goods we’ve been sold — those like Sophie King, a contemporary embroidery and textile artist, who is using her craft to challenge traditional thought and teaching on this subject. Her recent post on Medium, “How the concept of forgiveness is used to gaslight women,” is an interesting read.
“The blame is shifted from the wrongdoer to the victim,” King writes. “…Men often use the status of an unforgiving woman, to avoid accountability for their actions by disregarding whatever women accuse them of, by saying they’re ‘just bitter’. What he did was wrong but she’s worse for not being the better person and forgiving him.” King believes, “Forgiveness is only empowering if it’s your choice. Not if you’ve been forced into it. Through fear of being called bitter, weak and a bad person if you don’t.”
Perhaps, some of us are not ready for such critical thinking. Perhaps, we haven’t broken our backs enough yet in the contorted spiritual positions that do not align with that of a sound mind. Perhaps, we are still, far too mindlessly, handing over the agency for so many aspects of our lives to sources outside of ourselves. Perhaps, this is also why we also have to medicate ourselves into submission — and acceptance.
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